Finding out that we were having another baby was both a surprise and a joy. From the beginning he began changing our lives for the better. It is amazing to see how little children can reveal the true character of a person. Having a two year old and a 1 year old already, we began asking ourselves so many questions like, how is this going to work? Will we have enough money? Will we be able to sell our house in time? Most of these questions remained unanswered except for one. Did we love this child recklessly, completely and unconditionally? The answer was always absolutely and without a shadow of a doubt.
I was 6 weeks pregnant when I began to hemorrhage. It was a very public and inconvenient place and I got the feeling that this baby’s existence was not to make people feel comfortable. My doctor told me that I was indeed miscarrying, which we pretty much expected to hear. As you can imagine we were devastated and confused. Little did I know that this was the beginning of a 22 week life changing journey that would lead me to the depths of sorrow and endless pain. I went home that night and the Lord would not allow me to sleep. I began to pray and talk to Him about our little one and said, “Lord, whatever you have in store for this baby, I can handle it. I promise”. I prayed through the night with a mother’s passionate plea and I got up the next morning and was not surprised when my doctor called and said that my blood levels were indicating that I was still pregnant and he wanted me to come in for further examination. I went in immediately for an ultra sound where I heard the most beautiful and wonderful sound. Thud Thud. Thud Thud. Oh my baby is still here! My baby made it through the night! A doctor told me after the ultra sound that the bleeding would subside after a few weeks, but I should know that my body may have been trying to miscarry because the baby growing inside me might have a disability. He said the word disability as if I would be intimidated or defeated by it. Clearly he had never had the privilege of knowing any of these angels he referred to as disabled or imperfect. The bleeding did subside for the most part, and we carried on like normal with our lovely two daughters until the first of September.
I was about 16 weeks pregnant when the hemorrhage started again, only much worse. More tests, more ultra sounds and more doctor visits only to hear I don’t know why you are bleeding and I wish I could give you an answer or I don’t know what is going to happen or my favorite, you’re child will most likely be disabled, where I would usually respond with, “If the Lord would grant me the honor of caring for one so close to His heart, I would gladly take that responsibility.” The frustration and agony would always be instantly gone whenever I heard that beautiful heartbeat.
Brent and I sat in the hospital late one night after a particularly bad episode tired and hoping for some answers when the doctor said that she didn’t have answers, but she could tell me what we were having if we wanted to know. Brent and I looked at each other hesitantly before we both smile and said “Yes!” “You are having a boy!” she told us. We were very excited as we left the hospital that night at two in the morning. A boy! A son! My mind started dreaming of tiny Easter suits, Nike shoes and little sports coats while Brent dreamed of fall football games, baseball gloves and golf outings. We were certain that everything would be okay if we could just get to the finish line.
The hemorrhage got worse and my blood levels kept dropping when my Doctor told me that I had a massive sub chorionic hematoma, which is basically a massive bleed or clot. Eventually I was hospitalized because I was basically bleeding to death and I was less than 24 hours away from a heart attack or stroke. The doctors told me that I wouldn’t survive this pregnancy without many transfusions. So, we began transfusing. A wonderful nurse Wendy told me that it was critical for me to get to 24 weeks for my baby to survive. So that is what I would do. I was without a doubt that I would be able to do enough for my little Sawyer. I am a mom and moms take care of their babies no matter what the cost. I would lay here until delivery if I that is what it took. After a week of transfusions and a couple of days at home the bleeding got so bad that the transfusions were having trouble keeping up. But my little Sawyer and I were hanging in there together. His heartbeat continued to give me hope and determination even though my heart was breaking for my husband without a wife and my girls without their mommy. “Cover them Lord”, I prayed constantly, “Cover them.” I knew that I was the only one who could carry this, and I would. Sawyer couldn’t have been a mellower baby. His kicks were always gentle, his heartbeat easy to find and he was always sleeping during the ultrasounds.
The fateful day came when they transferred me to Royal Oak Beaumont where they told me the most horrible thing a mother could ever hear. Sawyer will die and so will you if you continue with this pregnancy. So we need to deliver you as soon as possible. My heart was shattered and I was terrified. While I was lying there with my husband and Sawyer they continued to talk about how I had a blood infection that would kill me very shortly if I didn’t deliver. I found my breath and said, “I know that I sound crazy to you, but I am a mother, and the words Yes, take his life to save mine can never leave my mouth. I physically cannot say that. As we talked I prayed, “Lord, you promised never to give me more than I can handle, and this, I cannot handle. I have two little girls and a husband that need me, but I will not choose me over Sawyer. Lord help me!” I cried. Five minutes later I was dilated to a 3 and in active labor. My body then spiked a fever and I started shaking uncontrollably and started going into shock. Not long after that did precious little 10 ½ inch and 15 ounce Sawyer appear and steal and break my heart all at once. He was perfect. He was with Jesus, but his little body was perfect. He looked just like his daddy.
So, there we were, less than two weeks away from our 24 week goal with empty arms and a shattered heart. I knew that I would never be the same, I will always be brokenhearted and I will always wonder about what I will have missed out on with Sawyer’s life, but I had to believe that God had a purpose for this pain. I was aching over my empty womb when the Lord spoke to me and said, “Your job as a mom is not over, it’s just different. You will not change diapers or hear him call you mama, but you still have that responsibility to be his mother. There is a divine purpose for Sawyer’s life and death and I have chosen you to carry the responsibility to give his life and death that purpose. That is how you will be is mommy. So, that is what I will do. For the rest of my life, I will make his life significant and I will make it count. And I hope that you will join me on my journey to preserve life. Where people like you and I will join forces with the disabled as we run to support the sanctity of life and to fight for opportunities for children in the foster care system.
Children in the foster care system lack many of the opportunities that we take for granted in our own children. Without these crucial opportunities, these children are often hardened and left to fend for themselves. My husband and I believe that it is critical to advocate for children who have been orphaned in order to make a better community and to set an example to simply do what is right. Your charitable donation would be greatly appreciated and used for a very noble purpose. All of our donations are tax deductible under the Internal Revenue Code. If you have any further questions, please contact Jenny Brown at 248-818- 0270. Thank you for your time and generosity.